Going beyond contemplation…a ramble

I didn’t intend for this to get heavy or all poor me.  I wasn’t sure what to write about so I just stopped thinking and let my fingers lead the way.

Sad to say but I live more in my head than in the real world, most of the time.  I think, rethink, then further contemplate the next steps that should be taken.  As well as in what order and so on and so forth.  Planning is so much easier than the follow through.  I am trying and have been succeeding (thanks to my cheerleader/drill sergeant/husband) in making small changes.  It is just so hard keeping up with it.

Eating healthy is easy when you are at home with what you picked up from the store with no other options…but when you are out meeting a friend for coffee or a group of friends for gaming it’s hard to say no to food or snacks that are of the less than healthy variety.  And yes indulging occasionally is okay…but sometimes it’s the snowflake that triggers an avalanche of epic proportions.

I know I may be a bit rambly and probably quite a bit dramatic, just trying to get what is in my head out.  I’ve been slowly working on my 101 goals for my 1001 days challenge.  At first I thought I was being so practical and was super gung ho about it all.  But as the past month since it began has slipped past without much in the way of success…It’s just so easy to get discouraged.  I’ve planned and hoped and contemplated so many times over the years.  I try not to think the F word (Fail).  But it creeps up and attacks when my defenses are down.  It echo’s in the background noise of my constantly chattering mind.

Working at making the changes and taking the steps to being healthier is moving me in the right direction.  I Have succeeded in being nicotine free for over three years now, without gaining a bunch of weight.  True I’ve been fluctuating within 15 pounds over and under 350 since then, but I haven’t seen my top weight again either (420s).

Of course this isn’t just about health stuff.  Its the fact that My mind keeps negating the work I’ve put towards trying to think better of myself.  For however long I try to think happy thoughts and do positive affirmations there’s a mean ass voice in the back of my head laughing at the efforts I’ve been making.  Pointing out what I’ve done wrong and so on.  I wish there was like magic spackle I could use to patch up my shoddy self esteem.   It’s so difficult to reprogram the things I’ve believed were the truth about myself.  I know that I have a tendency to sabotage  budding possibilities that come my way.  Trying to let myself down before it even comes close to being a probability, so I can stave off the inevitable failure and pain.

Bleh!  Okay my next blog will be something a little less this and a little more constructive.  Congrats if you made it to the end, a gold star for you 🙂

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About JulieBites

I am in the process of getting heathy and figuring some stuff out. This is me thinking things through in the written form…for all to see.
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