Going beyond contemplation…a ramble

I didn’t intend for this to get heavy or all poor me.  I wasn’t sure what to write about so I just stopped thinking and let my fingers lead the way.

Sad to say but I live more in my head than in the real world, most of the time.  I think, rethink, then further contemplate the next steps that should be taken.  As well as in what order and so on and so forth.  Planning is so much easier than the follow through.  I am trying and have been succeeding (thanks to my cheerleader/drill sergeant/husband) in making small changes.  It is just so hard keeping up with it.

Eating healthy is easy when you are at home with what you picked up from the store with no other options…but when you are out meeting a friend for coffee or a group of friends for gaming it’s hard to say no to food or snacks that are of the less than healthy variety.  And yes indulging occasionally is okay…but sometimes it’s the snowflake that triggers an avalanche of epic proportions.

I know I may be a bit rambly and probably quite a bit dramatic, just trying to get what is in my head out.  I’ve been slowly working on my 101 goals for my 1001 days challenge.  At first I thought I was being so practical and was super gung ho about it all.  But as the past month since it began has slipped past without much in the way of success…It’s just so easy to get discouraged.  I’ve planned and hoped and contemplated so many times over the years.  I try not to think the F word (Fail).  But it creeps up and attacks when my defenses are down.  It echo’s in the background noise of my constantly chattering mind.

Working at making the changes and taking the steps to being healthier is moving me in the right direction.  I Have succeeded in being nicotine free for over three years now, without gaining a bunch of weight.  True I’ve been fluctuating within 15 pounds over and under 350 since then, but I haven’t seen my top weight again either (420s).

Of course this isn’t just about health stuff.  Its the fact that My mind keeps negating the work I’ve put towards trying to think better of myself.  For however long I try to think happy thoughts and do positive affirmations there’s a mean ass voice in the back of my head laughing at the efforts I’ve been making.  Pointing out what I’ve done wrong and so on.  I wish there was like magic spackle I could use to patch up my shoddy self esteem.   It’s so difficult to reprogram the things I’ve believed were the truth about myself.  I know that I have a tendency to sabotage  budding possibilities that come my way.  Trying to let myself down before it even comes close to being a probability, so I can stave off the inevitable failure and pain.

Bleh!  Okay my next blog will be something a little less this and a little more constructive.  Congrats if you made it to the end, a gold star for you 🙂

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Re-evaluating and refocusing

Well I almost made it a month into the picture a day/blog a day routine.  Of course it took me a month and a half to accomplish that so I am doing some adjustments to my goals.  I still want to write every day and I do want to keep up the pictures with the blog posts but the too specific goal was keeping my thinking limited I think.  Most of my blog posts were pretty general and more like journal entries than anything.  I want to make this a bit more than that.  And a bit more personal, digging deeper than “I ate this, and did that, then exercised for a bit.”

I’ve been pretty regular with sparkpeople, logging in everyday this year so far and utilizing the tools that they have available.  And the exercise challenge for the month of January is still going although I’m not sure if I’m still on track as far as the set schedule.  But I am up to 90 crunches and squats, still between a minute and a minute thirty for the plank.  I missed three days in a row and have been struggling with the planks since then.  I am sure its more mental than anything.  I am adding to my goals to input some cardio/walking in there.  Most of my focus has been on strength training.

With the reading challenge I am still making my way through my first book of the year.  (Outlander by Diana Gabaldon.  I’m not sure why it is taking me so long to read it.  Just been keeping busy with a lot of stuff and unfocused maybe.  In the last hundred pages now.)  Although I have added several more books on my list of categories.  Once I’ve got it a bit more organized I will be sharing the list in its entirety.  I am also thinking of sharing my 101 goals in 1001 days challenge as well.  I haven’t gotten that one completely put together either but I am hoping to get it completed (both of them) by the end of January.

I’m working again, yay, at a place I’ve been before and loved.  It’s a temp position but one I do find very enjoyable and even though it is factory its not one that is killing me or has me up on my feet for long periods of time.  And yay temperature controlled environment.  I am thankful for it and for the time that it presented itself because the hubs needed to get the hell out of his job for his own sanity as well as my own.  We are both keeping an ear to the ground for a full time job, especially with benefits.  But for the time being I am very grateful for this opportunity.

Spiritually I have been in a holding pattern.  I haven’t gotten very far in either my studies which was a goal of mine for this year.  I haven’t been getting together with other like minded people as often as I had wanted to either.  Which is something that was discussed today as our pagan meeting at the UU church.  The fact that none of us makes much time for ourselves or our spirituality with all the other junk going on in our lives.  But with the work situation just having changed this past week I am hoping that my spiritual focus will follow suit and get more attention.  Well that is my intention anyways.  Made a few loose plans already and going to be making set plans by next weeks end.

On a side note I have been working on being more “girly” as Will puts it.  Been wearing make up a bit more regularly and actually did my nails a week ago.  I am going to try and keep with it a few times a week and see how that works out.  I love my hubby so much for pushing me to be better and seeing me how I should be seeing myself.  I am a lot better person for having him in my life.  Just saying.  Until next time XOXO

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Day 30, New beginnings

http://www.thewonblog.blogspot.com/2015/01/fresh-starts-and-new-beginnings_6.html

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I blogged over at The Writers Online Blog so I’m counting that as my blog for the 5th.  Please go and check it out.

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Day 29, Taking the time

Sunday was a restoration day.  I ended up sleeping about nine hours.  It was a good deep sleep, too.  Unfortunately I also missed church which made me sad because it is a support system I think benefits me greatly.  The Tullahoma UU church has a lot of great people.  If I can ever get myself to be more sociable there are several people there I would bug to hang out way more….just saying.

The exercises didn’t hurt as much as they have in the past and that was awesome.  Planked for a minute and eight seconds with forty crunches and forty squats.  I haven’t gotten around to doing the arm exercises yet but that is still my intention.  The language lesson was also accomplished and with less frustration that the previous ones.

Got some good reading time in as well.  Currently reading Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. I haven’t gotten past the point they made it in the series yet, but I am close to being there. I love highlanders, sigh.  And this will be my first book checked off the reading challenge list.  A book over 500 pages.

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Day 28, Rain Blues

I had high hopes for Saturday to be a day of getting things done.  And for the most part I accomplished some stuff, but quite a few things got pushed off for another day because it was just too wet and gross outside.

I invaded dads with laundry and spent a few hours over there.  Mostly reading, but I was at least a little bit sociable.  Earlier in the day I got a not so nice visit from a lady serving me with a civil warrant.  If I could go back in time and slap myself when I even thought getting more than one credit card as a good idea.  Le sigh.  I am going to ask some questions and find out what my options are because there is no getting blood from this stone.  I’m more than tapped out.

But even with the stress of all that I still got my exercising and language lesson in for the day.  I found an awesome challenge that I fell in love with.   The get yoursElf off the shelf challenge was too much.  At least in my physical condition.  I am thinking this one is a bit more reasonable.  I am also looking into adding some arm exercises with a resistance band to my daily workout.

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As far as languages go I was doing Duolingo, a phone app that’s free and kinda awesome.  But I was doing french and spanish which actually ended up confusing me because some of it is really similar and it just got frustrating.  So Will and I are focusing on doing a french lesson together each day, while also going over basic stuff for me so it will eventually sink in.  I am having fun with it and look forward to extending my understanding beyond the basics.

Spiritually I’m still in a bit of a holding pattern.  Been praying a lot and talking to spirit due to money and work issues.   I need to take the time to meditate and calm my mind of its incessant chatter.

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Day 27, building momentum

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Second day of the year went well I think.  Will and I tackled a project and accomplished quite a bit with it. We also did two language lessons and ate healthily.  Exercise wise we planked (I did 30seconds and 36 seconds), 30 crunches, and 30 squats.  I also kept a log of food intake which I haven’t put into sparkpeople yet but will soon hopefully.

Spiritually I haven’t done much but cleaning has been more regular so yay accomlishing that.

My plans, to do my mile walk, have been interupted by consistant downpouring.  Yes I am fully aware that it raining is a lame excuse not to go walking.  That there are indoor options.  But I don’t have a way of measuring the indoor options.  the pedometers I have refuse to work for me.

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Day 26, back to the beginning

I did some reevaluating of my goals and decided to go ahead and do some before shots that would actually be shared.  I have been on spark people actively, somewhat, for a few months now and I haven’t seen any changes because I haven’t changed much of what I’ve been doing.  This is going to stop.  I need this change to happen and I don’t want to keep going through the motions without getting anywhere.  Yes, I’ve made steps.  I’ve joined a few challenges that have gotten me up and doing exercises but it’s not enough.

I’m going to do a 5k (3.1 miles) once a week.  Starting out this first week with just a mile so that I’m not pushing myself too hard, too soon.  It would be great to be able to join a gym but we really don’t have the finances.  So I am going to do what I can with what I have.

I’ve also upped my reading challenge goal this year to 125.  And there is also a reading challenge I’ve seen passed around facebook that I am adding to, but using it as a jumping off point.

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Spiritually I have a few ideas I am working around in my mind on what I want to do regularly.  It is important to me that I don’t do this half assed, I’m done with just getting by with as little as possible.  In a very lets get this done kinda mindframe, I like it and hope it lasts.

Below are the before pictures and I will be reposting them with updated ones so I can see the changes.  Because the scale is a bitch who needs to be punched in the face…just saying.

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